That Feeling

How is it that everyday and at my age
I still feel, if not more so, inferior and insecure?
I question everything and brood over everything.
That person likes that person.
Notice how that person ignored me.
Am I coming across as desperate and
That's why people are avoiding me -
I do that! Avoid the contagious plague of
Desperation that says,
"Like me! Validate me! Look at me!"
Where do I turn in these times of
Desperation when God seems to allow them to
Collect a wage from my personal security account?

There's the prettier, younger crowd that gets more
Attention and always has even when I was part of the
Prettier and younger crowd.

There's the cooler, hipster crowd that just has a
Swagger about them that eludes me and continues to
Even as I feverishly pursue it.

There's the nothing-phases-me-because-it-doesn't-matter-
Anyhow crowd - completely escapes my realm of comprehension
To the point of utter disbelief.

Perhaps I just need to join the crowd of missed dreams
On my bed - I am tired and need to rest my weary head.
These feelings are too much to bear and I wish they could
Just be slept off or dredged off like that nasty film over
The pool when it's too hot you don't want to wait to jump
Into - the grossness that that sludge is - but if you don't wait
You are slimed and it clings to everything...

Nasty - that feeling.