Wishing others dead...

In Camus' novel, The Stranger, the main character professes, "At one time or another all normal people have wished their loved ones were dead." I guess in some cases that is true. I remember feeling and thinking that way when I was much younger. However, reading that, made me sad. I guess because of the realization that I have thought that way and NOW I do NOT want any of my loved ones to die. They are precious to me even the difficult ones like my older brother whose volatile nature and actual outward hatred toward me exhibited in venomous remarks about my lack of a love life, significant other or children make him feel superior to me and qualified to verbally critique and abuse me on these subjects every chance he gets (since he's an expert being that he's married with children...) of which I have never been.

Death is not the answer... although he seems dead to me in his way of life and dealings with me and those around him... I do not want my brother to die even though he and I (and everyone for that matter) are careening toward that guaranteed destiny. Why does it even matter how scary death is when we should take comfort in the fact that we all know our ends...? well not exactly HOW we end up dying but die we all must and do! It's quite strange that there isn't more peacefulness in the assuredness of knowing this FACT, but perhaps because peoples' deaths are as varied as our human race and some quite brutal - it causes the anxiety of the unknown HOW to our deaths...

I don't wish anyone dead although there have been times I wish I was dead because of the lameness of my life and how messed up I have made it through a series of bad decisions and bad luck... instead of wishing I was dead I wish I could hit re-set on my life and go back to age 22 right after graduating under grad. I would have stayed in Philadelphia and pushed on in my creative endeavors as an actress... or maybe I wouldn't have... I just wish I could kill some aspects of myself that make me wish I was dead so I could flourish and grow instead of wither and well... die... sad, and alone.

Defining Success

I am successful at being me and that is being successful.

I am where I want to be and I am ALMOST doing what I want to be doing and therefore that is my definition of success. It is so easy to lose sight of what you truly desire to do and then allow someone else's view of what success is color your own. I don't want that for myself. I want to believe that I can and will continue to succeed... succeed at being me and doing what I do best... whatever it is I attempt.

This will be a HAPPY NEW year... because I can choose for it to be.