Public Relations

Public relations... publicly relate

Some THING to some one -

Any one who passes by with an

Eye toward the next BIG thing.

It's a weird cheer this fear of not

Being reared on silver spoons

Used to stir the pot and espresso of

The fortunate few who relate publicly

In the eye and eyes of the critical masses

Who knew you before you did... too...

Who know what you'll do next before

You guessed it: you are publicly

Traded away for consumption -

Soul consumed with a tarnished spoon

Stirred in the acidy reality of TV, etc.

Exposed as a fraud for being human.

Maybe Today

Shedding tears and
Wishfully fears -
Why do I feel so
Cursed at love or
Being in it... my
Grandma did it.
My mom, too!
One seemed successful
The other not so much and
Yet, the "other" persevered.
Can I? Should I?
Am I just being a fool?
I push and I pull and I wish
For my own love story and
It only seems like a
Nightmare!
It's more work and
Heartbreak/ache than
I thought and then I
Look around me and see
So many successful at
Yet another thing I keep
Seeming to fail or mess up!
I know it's not just me,
It takes two to make this work -
He says he loves me and
Maybe he does in his own way,
But it doesn't translate to
My page or stage of reality and
I'm afraid I am on cruise-control
To a self-fulfilling prophecy of
Failure... I don't want to fail,
Nor flail anymore - I want and
Want, but keep thinking it's
Going to elude me!

Sell Out

One more month of this
Is it too much?
Creativity is supposed to free the
Mind and the rest will follow
I have been imprisoned in this
Trap of creative self expression that
Is beginning to drain the expression
Right out of me for "sell out" status.

Ginger

I think Grandma Buckley may have
Been born today or tomorrow or the
Day after... there is some disagreements
On when she was born or decided to
Come into the world... and came she did.
I wish she hadn't stopped taking her
Rat poison... it's what kept her alive.
She threw in the towel... even after
Surviving a broken heart when the love of
Her life died... she thrived in his memory.
I want to thrive in her memory, but I cry
So much when I think of not having her
Anymore... hummingbirds remind me of
Her gentleness and simple beauty.
I wish she hadn't flitted away so soon.

Premature

I was supposed to be born today.
I wasn't. I was too impatient to
Wait my time and it still haunts me.
I can't seem to wait for anything and
Yet I have been forced to wait and
I am crushed from waiting to live
In love, in dreams, in life...
I don't know how to reach God
Through this concrete wall of
Aching from longing for things that
Just don't arrive like I did... too soon!

Stomping

Stomping above -
Stomping on the cranium -
Stomping inside my mind -
It doesn't stop and it won't.
Can't control others.

Reading Comprehension

What happened to the days of
Whim and whimsy - of
Stresslessness and freedom from
Pain, mentally and otherwise?
Why, when a child, did I not see or
Feel or know this was not going to
Last... why isn't there a warning/
Instructional Manual for life
Issued after you learn to comprehend,
Maybe because people would read
Just the end and end it all at once.

Slobbery Cat

Randomly played songs of
The cardinal singing to
Its mate... duller in color
Yet just as able to take flight and
Meet on a branch high enough to
Protect from the harsh realities of
What waits below in the mouth of
A salivating tabby cat.

Unsure

And I don't trust
Anything or
Anyone and then
I wonder why I
Attract that to
Myself...
I feel crushed
By love that
Doesn't feel at all
Like love and
Yet am told and
Promised it is
Over and over and
Yet over and over
Insensitivities are
Continued to be
Played out and
I'm scared I can't
Care or be loved.

Blender Mess

My heart breaks
Regularly
Daily and
I learn I am
A runner.
It has not kept me
In shape physically.
It has moved me
Geographically and
Messed up my mind...
New locations,
People and places
Don't change the
Fact that I am
A mess and
Feel abandoned to
Myself and the
Blender blades
I have been pureed
From... into... now.

Hmph!

I want to be kind

All that is

1 Corinthians 13:1-8,

But I am not...

Not Jesus and 

Certainly NOT

Godly on many

Days, even the

Good ones!

My roommate is

Cleaning the hard-

Wood floors.

It's 11pm!!

Why is she so

DUMB??

HMPH!!

April 19th, 2012

Here I am again
Feeling defeated -
Afraid, despairing
Wishing death would
Come for a visit and
Whisk me away to
Heaven... God,
Please have my
Room ready.

April 18th, 2012

Another day of fears
I was almost robbed
It produced no tears

April 17th, 2012

Hey this is lame!
Ima treat it like a game.
Duck, duck, goose!
You're it - now
HIT IT square on the
Jaw so IT doesn't
Come back.

More Fears

Soooo painful this
Insecurity that
Bites me in the
Butt over and
Over again
Wishing it would
Just devour the
Extra poundage and
Cellulite that's back there...
Should I care that he didn't
Say how very, very
Much he loves me...
It seems to be waning or
Am I just waxing way
Too philosophical and
Navel gazing at the same time
Thought NOT complete...
Will this love last through
All the changes coming
Down the pike?

Re-Sponsibility

I hafta say being
Responsible is
Challenging...
BUT I want to be
A person of my
Word -
WORD UP!
Re-do some
Things and
Re-ignite the
Pilot light of
Creativity -
Re-
Sponsibility.

Much Better

April 14th was a much better day
Even though I cried about
Possibly being unloved
His love is new every morning
Great is His faithfulness
Unlike mine, especially when
I'm being the judge, jury and
Executioner.

I put myself on trial and was
Convicted of being in love in
All degrees...

Gosh, I hope it's a life sentence and
I'm not let off for bad behavior.

Friday the 13th

Is it an unlucky day
For you?
Broke my own finger.
Got chased by a
Lady in a Mercedes
Because she thought
I tapped/kissed her
Bumper...
Over-ate and then
Didn't feel great.
Fought with the beau and
Didn't know if it was
Over on account of
My insecurity... again!

Yes, it was an unlucky day
For me.

Four (For?) Twelve 12

What a date.
It's pretty great.
Not of late.
I totally hate
To subjugate
the verb that
Calls me
Quitter.

Lost Love

So have
Lost that
Loving
Feeling for
This endeavor
Actually quite a
Lot of lost
Love for many
Things that
Take up time
In my life.

MUST WEED
Out that which
Sucks me dry!

April 10th, 2012

Still not there
Mentally
or
Otherwise
Will cry
and
Try soon
Again

April 9th, 2012

Catch up!

April 8th, 2012

What happened... it did again!

Close to the Entrance

Leaned in and saw nothing
Empty, neatly folded linens -
Wow, impressive even after
Rising from the dead and he said,
"Take heart, I have overcome the
World..." and you can too.
Just believe in Me.
It's true and all for you!

He didn't need to beg,
I begged Him to forgive me and
While he hung upon that tree -
All that He could be cried out to me,
"Please accept this gift,
It's free... but you need to accept it
Only from Me."

Close to the entrance,
Miracle of stone moved away to
Display the glory of the majesty of
Salvation for humanity.

Lost in the Masses

Crying doesn't do a thing but
Compound the fact that I'm a
Shattered, broken mess incapable of
Repair even by God who allows me to
Stay in disarray splayed all ways in
Shards of dried tears - so sad because
I'm bad at this journey I've been on
So long alone with many
Who relate and want to escape
With or without me, perhaps
Because of me, I must admit, in order to
Evacuate the premises so the carnage
Doesn't fall too near everyone elses'
In order to tell who's whose.

Self-Fulfilling?

Here I am AGAIN
In the throes of
Despair
Despairing the decision
I need to make that
Was made for me
Upon my birth
FAILURE stamped on
The soft-spot not ever soft
Crushing the brain into
Not being able to grow
Into a woman capable of
Giving and receiving
TRUE LOVE - only able to
Take, steel, borrow, throw away
Lust, carnal knowledge -
Fornication indicating only
Mentally is there an involvement
Flatlining in real life...
Hearts are beating a tune
Separately, but together in
Different bodies of evidence
Growing to expose the case
Can't be settled in a few hundred
Words that have been uttered here
And there - but
Not believed because they seem
Like lies easily swallowed as the
Bitter pills of reality remind me of
My failures past, present and perhaps
Sadly, the near future...

Self-fulfilling prophecy?

So many people are going to say,
"I hope not."

Easily Undone

I don't feel a thing because
I don't allow myself to...
And yet I keep it going
Mouth to mouth resuscitation -
Resuscitating... resurrecting
Just enough emotions - feelings to
Keep it going... growing into
An addiction, ensnaring him
With honey dripping from the
Nectar filled lumps of lips
Sucking the top and bottom
Dry of any lies that might be
Spoken but aren't allowed to in this
Lip lock - keys thrown away in
An embrace - head held in the
Hands where the key dangles
Inches from the lock that
Could be popped with just a
Flick of the tongue...
We'd both come undone in
More ways than one.

4 Months

4 months flew by because
1 month was spent away
2 months were spent apart and
1 month showed us our wrongs.

I don't want to be wrong
Again
He doesn't think we do wrong
But
I don't know maybe I have
Staunched the flow of blood by
Cauterizing my senses...
My conscience or have turned the
Speaker off in order not to hear
God's kindness whispered in
Trusting Him and have no fear
Stop lacking faith - that's what
My fear shows and then pushes
Away in order to not end up
Where I've always ended up
Alone fighting to get what I want
Only to discard it again...

I don't have the luxury of playing
Any games any more especially when
The game pieces involve another's
Heart I love... I have come to love
Even in my fear that it won't last.

I'm gonna push past this 4 months to
Welcome the next 4... to discover
More love that will grow as we
Cultivate it together.

Relief

Hmmmmm... out through the nose.
It feels good. Relief. Relieving
Oneself with facts...
He loves me
I love me not
Sometimes
I love him
He loves himself
Not all the time.
Yet we persist when the
Darkness presses in... well,
He does anyway because
He is Faithful - Thank You
God... we love because
He loved us first... and
Keep going, don't quit
That's your normal M.O.
Don't do that... no more
Self-fulfilling prophecies
Prophecy another lie, but
Make it a truth you FINALLY
Believe in... it can happen.
It will happen because that's
What love does: Always
Hopes.
Trusts.
Perseveres.
Never fails.
Even with your collection of
Failures - it keeps no record of
Wrongs - stop wronging the
Rightness of his love -
Embrace it with grace
Graciously with gratitude and
Keep breathing...

April's Fool

Lay it down thick...
Pile it high - they will
Just so you can see how
Wrong you are to trust
Their every word when it
Comes to your heart being
Compromised for the sake of
Laying it down to those pigs
Unworthy of your pearls
Trampling underfoot your
Heart, mind, soul for the sake of
What was it? Love...
Who's the fool now?