I am feeling that invisible feeling again. It starts from feeling anxious. I don't understand why my life has been careening toward anxiety and fear as I've aged. No one warns you that the carefreeness of childhood wears off... like love after too many betrayals. Then instead of being offered some fun kiddy candy you're offered a mint of maturity for the bad breath you've gotten from drinking to drown out the pain of life that even the alcohol stopped numbing after the first drink. Not that I do that... it's just a fitting metaphor/analogy for this feeling of invisibility that washes over me like Harry Potter's "Invisibility Cloak." Granted his was a choice, mine is a result of being subjected to the realization that life is harder and more painful than I ever imagined or even wanted to discover. But you can only be in denial for so long I suppose... although I avoid denial and move to ignorance!
Someone recently told me the worst kind of self hate is comparing yourself to someone else... but I can't help but do it! It seems others are seen and I'm invisible. Others get responses for the same things I do and are applauded and I'm looked down the nose at like I'm a midget someone almost trips over and then scoffs at even though it was the taller, condescending persons fault for the close-call collision.
Being ignored hurts just as much as being seen and picked on does. I want to be seen. I want to feel valued. I don't want to be told it comes from self love... "IF you just loved yourself more you'd be happy," I've heard that many a time in my life. I don't hate myself. I don't like some aspects. I HATE that I have cellulite, but I don't hate myself. I hate certain aspects of my-so-called-life. I don't like reality... as much as I don't like vegetables. Yet, I KNOW both are good for me. Everything in moderation, maybe? Even feeling invisible?
This feels so unfinished... the words are invisible to me right now... I can't see where to go with this... maybe I will finish this later when the words uncover themselves from under the cloak of invisibility my mind has shrouded them in!
