I recently went out with a friend I have had for over 15 years. She asked me if I was ever happy. She wasn't saying it rudely or with sarcasm; she was genuinely concerned and asked with care, compassion and caution. She has known me long enough to know I don't handle confrontation well and I can become down right mean in response. I believe she knew I was unhappy when she asked the question. Most people don't ask questions they already know the answer to... I said, "No, I'm rarely happy." But her probing question made me think... and I recanted after a little while of pondering on whether or not I'm ever happy and I said, "I'm happy when I'm doing things that make me happy... like things I enjoy... like going to the movies, eating delicious food, enjoying good conversation with a friend, laughing, or when I get to perform on stage."
Unfortunately, most of the things that make me happy don't last that long... it seems most of what makes me happy cannot be maintained for long periods of time.
I told her how I feel I messed up my life by making poor decisions. Looking at my life there isn't anything really wrong with it. I am incredibly blessed... however, I am unhappy. Perhaps I am just ungrateful. I would not like to have another life... maybe... just different opportunities that present themselves that would, or could make me happy... I also said, "I'm not just unhappy - I'm not joyful very often..."
I wonder if I'm just depressed. The thought of trying to find a therapist to validate or confirm this question depresses me.
I think I am depressed because I don't know how to stop the cycle of unhappiness that courses through my mind. I don't know how to stop the bitterness I feel over seeing others with what I want... jealousy is a green-eyed monster and I was born with green eyes. This is a fact, not a joke. What does this mean for me? Does it mean I have stopped God from doing anything in my life? I read that "God wants to work THROUGH us, not FOR us!" I have been wanting God to work for me without doing anything to see Him through... I treat God as a lucky rabbit's foot, holding on to the little amputated paw, rubbing it (like a Genie's lamp) and hoping to see miracles that can't occur because faith does not come through the turquoise dyed fur of the skeletal remains of a rabbit's foot doubling as a key chain and talisman.
What have I done to my life? Where can I go from here? Up? I feel so down and I wanted to go down 18 floors by jumping out my apartment window today... the window only opens four inches for this very suicidal reason... and I'm not thin enough to fit through it! COLOSSAL FAIL... again!
Can a pill really change these thoughts and feelings? Can exercise, sleep and a better diet? I think only a reboot or DO-OVER button can... I wish there was a "do-over" button I could hit to "fix" my life... the life I have messed up... the life where I'm never happy or joyful... and be happy or joyful... no, become... happy... joyful.
