Mature Love?

Another month finished -
How many more to go
Where Love's assignment has
Been assigned to grow?

Will it get choked out by
The fears from worry?
Or will it flourish in the
Sunshine of positivity?

Whatever will be will be,
But for us - being older,
Seems like an extra challenge to
Give up the freedom of aloneness.

Where darkness was and light now
Shines - shadows are cast and
It seems like only time can tell
What and how to proceed...

Will it be cautiously, fearlessly,
With or without abandon outside the
Easy physical attraction of kisses and
Touches that cool from being denied

By a contract and time apart? I don't
Want to find out and I don't want to
Let go - I want to grow regardless of
The conditions of the soil that has not

Been tilled for quite a while.

Other Woman

And then there's that -
He has so "few deep friends" and
If I keep him from one -
A woman at that - won't he
Resent me? Should I even care?
What about that? Is it unfair?
Are my insecurities undermining
His love for me and causing him to
Retreat into the man cave of his
Retracted heart?

I don't know how to do this...
But neither does he - I don't and
Sometimes I do - want to quit,
On this rare commodity of
Sweet attachment that feels like
It's falling apart at the seams.

Annoying Neediness

Sometimes I am annoyed by the children
Who are needy and want approval because
They remind me of me - needing acceptance,
Wanting attention - negatively and otherwise
In the form of "That's great!" or
"Try again!" or "Keep going!" and
"Keep your chin up!"

What I really want and I believe they do too
Is the feeling of freedom that comes from
Just not caring, but caring enough to know
That I don't care what people think about
What I say or don't say or don't do or do!

What about you? What will you do with this
for you?

You Don't Know

I want to draw them in
I care what they think and
I shouldn't - most of them are
Shorter than me and don't
Know a thing - that's what
I'm here for - to guide them
In their educational journey as
I am educated by their journey
By what I don't know in how
I am supposed to know in
Guiding them along the path to
Higher Education... there is a
Lot I don't care to know or
Learn, but I gotta care enough to
Send the very best message that
Life won't send you roses if
You don't prepare your minds for
Tests you won't be prepared to take or
Know anything about until the
Test booklet and answer document of
Your lives is opened and marked up by
Dull #2 pencils in the form of adults
Feeding you directions they don't even
Understand - where you learn more about
What you don't know... both you and them.

28 Days

Sick the feeling of pain in the head -
The vice tightens on my brain from
The boa constrictor in my uterus
Pushing out the uterine wall on
A monthly basis like a clockwork
Not orange - but red and chunky -
Sometimes black and blue too like the
Bruises on my legs from hitting
Myself doubled over in pain from the
Strain of being pushed from the inside
Out by invisible sources that squeeze
Every ounce of life out of me every
28 days not unlike a rehab program

Reality of Love

Peace like a cloak envelops me
When I am draped in the arms of
My love - I hold my breath while
He holds me because I await the
Shove back into the reality of
Heartbreak that inevitably comes
From "the world or state of things
As they actually exist..." outside
My fantasy world that collides
With what I have depending on
The day or my reactionary response
To what seems like lies from
Love's lips.

Jesus' Aporia

Hagiography aporia in the form of
An idol we make out of those
Who are not heroes like Jesus on
His cross who has freed so many
Who don't get it... don't know it,
Even after the baptism in the waters
Feeling like fire after resurrecting
Clean from the trough where left
Floating are the sins of the past,
Future - presently suspended in the
Cool pool of water that's emptied
Like we wish our heads were from
The reminders that come back in
Haunting movies in our minds
Leaving us doubting the forgiveness,
Freedom and love of a Savior who
Didn't cry, "Stop, take this cup from me!"
But, "Your will be done, not mine!"
So we can drink to the dregs of
This life.

Deaf

When I was 5 and didn't know
Any better - I wanted to be deaf.
There was something about the
Ability to not hear and the cute
Little hearing-aid my Grandpa
Gave me that intrigued me into
Believing that being deaf was
What I needed to be - so I put it
On - the fake hearing-aid and
My favorite red gingham dress with
The little white apron and stood
In line with the other kindergartners'.
They spoke to me and I ignored them
To show them I was deaf and
Finally when I could take it no more
I said, "Can't you see I'm deaf?"
And ruined my guise of being
What I hoped was what I wanted at
5 - who really knows what's right?
I couldn't see anything wrong with
Not hearing and wish I couldn't
Hear half of what I've heard since then.

Significant Other

Ever thought you'd get this far in life
Without a significant other?
Significantly othered out crowd -
Want it, got it now, can't seem to
Believe in the staying power of it
'cuz words seem cheap and phony
Or I'm just a doubting Thomas and
I hurt me by my disbelief in his gifts -
What else can he give me?
I just don't know, 'cuz if I did
I wouldn't be rhetorically asking
The binary code to churn this out
For a viewing that possibly may
Not happen in a wedding dress
Walking down the aisle to,
"You're dumb, dumb, duh-dumb
for your uncertainty."
Let it go and let flow the love.

Lost Eggs

There is an excitement
Coursing through me
Maybe it's just the caffeine of
My black tea that I couldn't find
In the very vanilla, butter pecan
Hills of Tennessee last weekend.*

Maybe it's exhaustion holding onto
The last vestiges of adrenaline before
I crash into my forties in March...
Where I march myself into the
Doctor's office to be told,
"You're past your prime for
Making a baby" - your eggs have
All fallen out of your fallopian tubes
And passed through to the sewer
System that runs away to another
Lady's future to be held in a
Receiving blanket not received
By you or your family that will or
May not (have faith)have the line
Continued.

*March 2 - 4th at the Carson Springs Retreat/Lodge

ctrl + z

"There's a song that's inside of soul...
It's the one that I've tried to write
Over and over again..."
Only Hope lyrics by Mandy Moore

I too am trying to get it out into
Cyber space where it's seemingly
Not going to last forever because of
Change to the game of electronic
Storage not lasting... forever...
Like we thought was the case
In case we lost our thoughts or
Hearts - we thought we'd have
Some place to go to retrieve them
With a ctrl + z

Breath

I didn't want THIS to get
So lost in my life of
Things to do...
This is my life line to
Creativity and it is
The respirator that keeps
Me breathing and going
When other distractions
Stop me in my tracks.

German Back Seat

As we lay in cold on leather
On skin through clothes that
Will leather with age - tears
Fall and whimpers emerge
From dried lips from kissing -
Sucking the love out through
The orifice that speaks us
Into existence - spoke us, asked
Only a few weeks back to make
It official - officially lustful,
Carnal, in the back seat of a
German engineered auto-
Mobile only so long as the
Limbs don't go numb -
Revived by little rivulets of
Gravity yanked bombs of salty
Water from the tear ducts at
The corner of the eyes.

Forgetful

On this date in my history
I can't remember a thing
Except for the fact that
I should be remembering
Something other than what
I have forgotten...
On this date in history...
Her-story.

Guttered

Wow! I sure am behind...
Not so much the behind or
The butt of the joke, just
Hidden from the observer
Not supporting my
Creative juices as they
Flow into the gutter of
Neglect.

Twisting In It

Squirming is more like it
From not knowing what to do
The yelling the screaming and
The tears from another indiscretion
Internally bleeding searching for
Answers to quiet the fears from
Failing and falling down into
What feels good but is not right...

Twisting in it mentally has
Left me numb... casting anxiety
On my God perhaps is why I
Can not feel - is this relief - am
I a thief of grace and mercy
Stealing it from others and
Making it run out?

Get up again, keep going,
Get back on your knees to
Pray - pour it out on the altar and
Be a slave to faith.

The Hammock

I want to be held in
The highest regard of
A hammock that swings
In the heart strings of
Someone who will not
Stop pushing and gets into
The hanging that rocks and
Carries us both into the
Reality that this can work out
Even if it hurts or gets a
Little twisted - time, effort and
Honesty will do the trick and
We can live happily-ever-after
Even with little pains in the neck
From laying in the sag on
Top of each others dreams
Rocking and rolling back and
Forth rhythmically.

Backseat Bets

She told me,
"Don't do it.
Don't ever get in the
Back seat of a car with
A boy!"... but man it
Sure was cold until
He held me against him
On those leather clad
Cushions of the Benz
He was blessed with by
His family with toys... and
Now my heart is bleeding
With guilt once again because
I chose to not listen to my
Heart beating on three different
Frequencies - his and mine for him
And for God's religion that's
Supposed to be spiritual and a
Relationship based on commitment
And a covenant not a contract that
Binds like my tights did to keep
Him out of my being and warmer
When the winds whipped my legs
Like his hands on my backside
Traveling without concern for
Where my heart may end up...
On the floorboards of the car
Stomped on by the feet that
Rush to get me but don't really...
I'm free to exit the automobile and
Yet I don't because I feel like I'll
Lose him even though I have
Lost this fight with myself and
My feelings... good night...
Hello tears on the backseat of
The bet I lost.

Aftermath

And I cry again for
My loss of innocence
Even if it is only in my mind.
I cry because I don't want to
Lose what I believe is love.
I fear and I know it is not
Present in love and yet
I do again and again and
I wonder and want to
Believe that I won't
Lose him or his heart even
Though he insists I can do
No wrong in his sight,
We are wrong in our
Father's sight for the blight
Of our attraction... the day
Was Friday the 13th - it
Spilled over until today as
Do the horrors of the
Aftermath of its bad luck.

Chilled Off

Thursday is today and my
Favorite of the week -
Wish I could go outside and
Play in the new snow that
Has fallen to cover over the
Cracks that have appeared
In my eyes from so much
Crying: I don't know how
To navigate this thing called
Love - my love has this day off
And I wish I could shove away
My responsibilities to spend it
With him in hopes it will
Cement our hearts into one, but
What I am fearing to happen is
Starting to show because the
Snow is melting and I am feeling
That in order to grow we will
Do it apart because of the chill
That has taken our hearts, but that's
Not until tomorrow that it will start!

Puppy & Digs

11th day in and what do I want?
Not to be sick in the head or
Filled with snot.

I want a clean place called my
Own if I could afford it, but it
Seems I will not be living alone
Forever anymore - with a furry,
Little roommate, so adorably cute,
And two live ones much taller who
Are messy to boot - I don't have
Much choice but to surrender the
Ways I have lived before since
It may never change.

Stand and Deliver

Ten, nine, eight, seven,
Six, five, four, three, two,
One, One, One!

I am on the 10th day -
Lucky 10, perfect 10,
How will this day unfurl?

Have the faith to believe
It will be all that it can be -
Stand and deliver.

Pray

What do I do when it's only
This far in and I don't have
Faith because it has been
Washed away in the sin of
Doubting that I can have a
Life that I love and a man
Who wants to lead me to the
Altar of forgiveness on any
Given day so that I can
Believe in the grace and
Mercy that seems to allude
Me day after day?

Pray.

Pre-Fortieth

In exactly two months
I will be exactly who I was
Exactly at 13 - yet with more
Responsibility and actually forty.

I may have a man, but I can honestly
Say, I am still the same woman in
A curvy way - mentally challenged,
Depressed at times, faithless too -
But I have always wanted what all
Little girls want and I have to say,
It's not true - your Prince Charming
Doesn't come on a trusty steed -
He comes in the trappings that you
Are in too - just anatomically different,
Wearing different shoes - so be careful
Not to copy his dressing style or you'll
Find that his mind is on another no matter
How much he tries to tell you he loves
You while he eyes the next thing that
Traipses by looking all girly and ridiculously
Fly!

Don't give up now, Kate Bush says...
So don't - God has His plans - the
Razor blades aren't sharp enough, nor
Is the alcohol and pills that have sat
In the cupboard for too long for you to
Jump the ship called life on your
Birthday.

Lucky 7's

7's are supposed to be lucky and
So this day too is supposed to be
Something completely new...
Everyday is supposed to, that's what
I've heard and yet there is this inability
In my soul to change and release all
These turds of experiences in my
Mind - I must get it renewed like
My library books so I can find new,
Exciting things to write about in
The margins of my life.

Perched Phoenix

Sixth day in and nothing's changed
Except for the calendar page!
Time for renewal and other things
That make me feel like I can
Rise from the ashes again and again!

Awaiting Cinco de Mayo

Four months till the day
We will get to play in the sun
HOPE-full-lay while we
Swing at the pinatas that are
Strung in the trees carrying
Bellies full of candy for all
To see once it has beaten
Out of the seams that need
A thwacking! from repeated
Blows on the psyche of the
Newspaper covered in paste
Made out of oatmeal and water
With haste... it'll be great to
Dance to the salsa while
Dipping the chips into it!
Biddy biddy bon bon,
Shake those hips while
Chewing on the tortilla chips
Slathered with guacamole and
Say what you'd say,
Adios amigos till another day!

Word Play

One month and one day -
What can I say?
I just wanna play and
Turn gray with this sweet
Man I call "boyfriend" these
Last 32 days.

1st MonthaVersary

It's our first month and
I will say, I can't believe
How I splayed my arms and
Legs around his being to
Pull him in to me - deceiving
Our hearts and minds with
What? Feelings that we
Never had for another?
So what?

I was excited and now we
Have a mess... because of
My insecurity and lust it
May not last because I
Can not maintain it without
Trust...

One month hopefully leads to
Another month and another until
Forever, but if he's afraid I am
Afraid he will leave me too on
The altar of the Lord, floored,
Depressed and confused.

I bid adieu then to the pain of
Not knowing what to do and will
Cling to what is good and all
That's new in discovering what
God leads us to do... I am just
hoping it's not away from you.

Day Two Blues...

When things go well I worry and
When things go badly I worry too.
RIGHT NOW: things are equal parts good and bad.
I enjoy the excitement that excitement
Produces, but with excitement means
There is a lack of peace since excitement
Incites, begets, and produces feelings that
Stir up the dust of discontent which call
In to question peace's ability to peacefully
Put to rest the murmur of excitement's din.
Come on day two... what will you do with
This fear of detachment I feel from departing
From my love's embrace in a freezing cold
Metal and plastic chamber of gears and
Fabric covered upholstery that holds us as
We hold each other and clamor for more
Moments that scare as they tear off the old
Feelings of fear from not giving and now
Giving a bit too much in looks, touches, tastes of
Onion on lips chapped from winter's cruel
Sandpapering of our mouths - we don't say
Enough, we say too much and not enough
When and where love is involved keeping it
Above board and pleasing to all Entities
Involved - God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit...
Please know prayers are going up to keep it
Going and flowing and growing... I don't want
It to end - but there was no call and so
I am blue on day two.

First of the Year

Dear: First of the Year
I have many fears that
Begin this very day.
I found a lot of issues
Arose last year and
I've chose to not look back
For it'll be my demise.
The disguise you are wearing,
The one with the cute,
Inviting smile from ear to ear,
Is starting to crack in the seams
Where it's supposed to be
Held together not shellacked with
The phony look of fanfare for
Your great joy to greet us and
Usher us in to another era or year of
Possible, but likely failures...

2012 you need to be good and
Even the score on the floor boards of
Challenges since you're innately
Even-keeled and numbered.