A Pittance of Love*

Sometimes I wonder if this is all there is

A joke God has played to say He did His job

Had me be born to a family that's great and

Then didn't allow me to have my own because

of mistakes and sins I have made even

Though I'm told that's not the way He plays.

I have played dirty and fast and hard with rules.

I have lied and cheated and created a fool in

My mind of myself for believing in lies that are

Posited as faith perhaps in disguise where no one

Can say they're sure of what they hope for and

Certain of what they do not see - see I have been

Staring at the back of the head of hope and the

Possibility that I may someday see the face a few of

The dreams that have not become a reality and

Keep popping up as nightmares or terrors not

Even as I sleep - as I walk around as a zombie from

So many sleepless nights crying my eyes out

Wishing I had decided another way or prayed a

Different prayer or felt I had control of how my

Life has been unfolding - I think I'm in the 3rd act -

That's where the climax is supposed to happen -

The anxiety I have from awaiting the turning point

In my life is causing high blood pressure which is

A knife held and pressed on the pulse that is

My carotid almost ready to be pushed in so the

River of my AB+ life source can flow and

Deliver me to the final act and curtain closing

Called my life... no 4th act - nobody will know,

I won't be missed - no one has attended the show

I have called my swan song and life - was what

I was charging for admission too steep a price?

It only cost a pittance of love and a pinch of

Sweetness... perhaps walking across the threshold

On shattered and scattered broken glass hearts
Was the deterrent - it would have just taken one brave

Janitor to clean up the shards and then who would know...