Wanting

I have come up wanting again -
I just want to be great at something
And NOT exhausted - I want
Brilliance to exude from my pores
And NOT burn out - ever.
I want ideas to brim and gurgle forth like
A color changing fountain without
Being interrupted by the ugly voices
In my head that are just plain rude.

Even penning this I wanted to be
Eloquent and precise without being
Pretentious or morose and yet the
Step off the curb into the street of
Life, just right now, is far from the
Bottom of my footing and gravity's
Push and pull has flung me down into
A grimy gutter filled with trash from
My dirty mind - not in a sexy way -
A filthy, angry, mean to self way that
Arrests my personal development
Without even slapping any handcuffs on.

I'm so tired of this prison. I want out.