So I was talking to a
friend and I was crying about my broken heart... the one I feel has resided in
my chest cavity since I decided I desired my own true love and children and have gone without for what feels like forever.
Often times, people with
good intentions ask me, "Why aren't you married?" Most times I don't
have a good enough (to the person asking) answer and often respond with,
"It's just not what God has allowed at this time..." Then these,
well-meaning people state,"...but you're soooo awesome," and,
"OOOH, I know just the perfect person for you..."
A lot of times, these men
that are "perfect" for me are not interested in God or don't even go
to church. This is a HUGE factor for me in choosing a life-partner. My
conviction is that I MUST be with a man that God chooses for me that I WILL find/God
directs me to, IN my church family circle... this has meant I have gone without
a husband for over 17 years in my church. Don't get me wrong, I have had 3
boyfriends that have attended my church; it's where we met... but they didn't
result in anything past 8 months... SO, in this conversation where I was
stating that should I even get married in the next 6 months (highly unlikely)
and got pregnant on my honeymoon - I would still be an old mom, even IF I was
able to get pregnant at my advanced age. I know, I know, there is Sarah and
Abraham as a Biblical example - BUT we are way beyond living and bearing
children as nonagenarians, etc.
So, the fact remains, that
I will probably never bear my own child. This is a painful fact for me to
swallow... I have tried to console myself with saying things to myself like,
"phew, I don't gotta give birth so I won't have to mess up my body
now!" OR, "I am in touch with my selfishness and don't need that
burden and loss of sleep." BUT the truth is I can't seem to truly believe
those lies I tell myself so the sacrifice of my dreams for God's will for my
life, doesn't hurt as much... and then this friend who was patiently listening
used this scripture I have heard A MILLION times:
“If anyone comes to me
and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children,
his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my
disciple. And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be
my disciple." Luke 14:26-27
Then he said, "you see, you have "hated" your
own FUTURE children and own life to do the will of God." That probably
sounds horrible to some of you reading this, BUT it set me free! That's what
the truth does... for some unknown reason that scripture never helped until
this point in my life. I saw that because I made the trade for the eternal I
appear to hate my own life and the choices I could have made WITHOUT God's
direction - but I have decided to be God's disciple and follow Him... I can't
without having made these decisions as painful as they have been and seem...
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