Leaping...

I have leaped without looking. I have done it for the sake of faith.

As a child I would leap and not look because my faith was so strong in whatever it was I leaping into... but then I started to reap the consequences of not looking before my proverbial leaping and accrued many a broken thing: wrist, arm, leg... heart. It's the heart that seems to not take it as well as the more healable bones. The more broken hearts I collected the harder my heart became and the less leaping I did or even attempted.

I arrived... not the "arrived" we all seem to strive for... I arrived at a hardening of heart that for someone of my age should not have... or that's what I've come to believe: People my age are able to collect themselves, their broken pieces, reassemble the puzzle and have a few missing tiles that don't ruin the entire landscape of who they were or are or become from the multiple broken heart episodes... and yet for me, I could not take the pieces... perhaps because they were so scattered... or I forgot to collect them for the re-assembly... and reassemble them into something recognizably cohesive called a feeling heart full of faith in love.

My heart has not healed from the love I have given. I have given away love that should not have been given for it was not earned nor the recipient deserving... and yet I loved. I loved passionately. I loved with hope. I loved because I believed, had faith, that if I showed it could be done to the one I was loving, they could love me back. That was not their m.o. however. I have chosen wrong so many times in the giving of my love and self that I have broken trust with my heart from acquiring so many broken hearts... I can no longer trust that I know the path of love. I have not had a map. My navigation has been faulty for the compass of my heart is off kilter. I have gone it alone and been left wanting so many times... what's the use to continue the journey? I am and have been carrion for the vultures who feast on the carcasses of the dead who have died on the pilgrimage to find love. Can this state of pain be regenerative? Am I a Phoenix who rises from the ashes who only crashes immediately thereafter back to the sooty grave it rose from momentarily triumphant?

Perhaps if the heart were a bone it could be set after it is broken and then heal better... correctly... and yet, sometimes bones have to be rebroken to heal correctly and so maybe my heart is a bone that needs to be rebroken. I just don't know how to take the leap or find the person worth leaping off the precipice into the  boulders that await my crashing down into their cold, obsidian jetty of hardness. Maybe I need an Icarus to swoop down as I descend and catch me before I crash upon the waves of the heart breaking rocks and fly me away to a place where we both will not have our rescuing wings of love melted by the scorching heat of the Sun's scrutiny.

Then leap I must...I pray my Icarus arrives before my demise...CATCH ME ICARUS!